The Quest of the Two Plumbers
by NuclearCookout
Summary: One vituperatively rainy morning, Mario and Luigi make their way to the grocery store. However, a certain someone intends to hinder their quest, and it isn't Bowser. Rated T for violence, alcohol reference, and fungi.


The Quest of the Two Plumbers

The rain pours heavily on a Thursday at 8am, and Mario and Luigi are driving across the Mushroom Kingdom countryside on a two-lane road to get groceries. As the callous wind pummels their Lada-brand car, Mario turns the radio down to a whisper -- it wasn't really being listened to in the first place -- and rubs his mustache while keeping the vehicle steady.

"So, uhh, how's stuff been at your place, Luigi?" asks Mario as the wind pushes them off the road slightly.

Luigi responds, "Eh. Okay. Daisy ran over another Toad," and sips his steaming Frapucchino.

Mario chuckles and says, "Yeah, those Toads are usually in the wrong place at the wrong time."

There is a five second pause, and Luigi asks Mario, "How about you?"

Mario grunts and unenthusiastically replies, "Ohhh boy. Lots. Yoshi dug up a gas line and set the front lawn on fire, leading to twenty-nine deaths, all Toads. I discovered a huge crack in the castle's foundation on Monday, and the repairman gave us an estimate of around fifty-five-thousand dollars. Bowser's been sending me angry letters after he gets high; I KNOW he's high because the grammar and penmanship is atrocious. Voracious rabbits have invaded my -- _Peach's_ flower garden, some brats have been throwing dirt at the walls, and formerly petite Peach discovered Ben and Jerry's and is now in a size fourteen."

Wide-eyed, but with a smirk, Luigi says in a mildly sardonic manner, "Soooo...life's been good, then?"

Mario angrily glances at him and continues driving. The rain, meanwhile, increases its bellicosity.

Luigi looks down at the floor, then back at Mario, and says, "Ah, well, things could be worse."

Mario lets out a low sigh, coughs, and replies, "Meh. I guess you're right."

Spotting some sunlight, Luigi sanguinely exclaims, "See? Look! The rain's letting up!"

The rain promptly assails the small car with even greater exuberance, and it starts to hail. Mario says nothing, only looking ahead with a drab expression.

Luigi contemplates something else optimistic to say, and adds, "Maybe if we don't say such blatantly optimistic things, it will get better!"

One of the car's tires blows out, causing it to veer into the wrong lane. The two brothers scream like children as they barely miss an oncoming eighteen-wheeler. The car skids to the opposite side of the road, collides with a road sign, and stops abruptly.

With a frightened expression, Mario whispers, "That...actually wasn't so bad. Lu-...Luigi?"

Luigi is unconscious, but with his eyes and mouth wide open. He twitches a few times.

Mario leans over and shakes Luigi, yelling, "Luigiiii! WAKE UP!!"

Luigi snaps back into consciousness and blurts, "WHA?! Hey, quit it!"

Mario stares at him and asks, "Luigi, why are you so feeble?"

"From hanging out with you," sarcastically responds the sibling in green.

Mario mutters, "That wasn't funny," and gets out to survey the damage. Being pelted by cold droplets of precipitation, he murmurs, "Stupid rain."

Luigi exits the car and proceeds to step in a puddle, soaking one of his striped socks. Grumbling, he rolls his eyes, approaches his brother, and asks, "Well, what happened? Any damage?"

Mario glances at a tire, rubs his chin, and says, "That's what I'm trying to figure out." However, he spots something intriguingly peculiar lodged between the treads. He kneels down, pokes it, and inquires, "Hey, what's this? It's sharp."

Luigi examines it and comments, "Looks like some sort of throwing star."

Mario yanks it from the tire and observes it carefully, stating, "Hmm, there's a piece of Koopa shell in the center, and the star itself is made from sharpened bone."

Luigi expresses his disgust.

Mario stands back up, sneers as a raindrop explodes on his eye, and says, "Well, we'd better get that spare tire on before the storm..." He decides not to finish his sentence as it starts to hail again. "Never mind. Just get the stupid thing on."

The inundated brothers quickly replace the tire, reenter the vehicle, and continue their journey.

While drying himself off, Luigi inquires, "Mario, why does Link wear a dress?"

Mario raises an eyebrow, answering, "Because the Kingdom of Hyrule hasn't yet conformed to modern ideas of fashion. I thought you knew that," with a moderately surprised tone.

Luigi continues, "Yeah, but seriously. Do you think he's ever been mistaken for a woman? The flowing hair, the earrings, the dre-...eh, tunic, the fair, effeminate complexion, et cetera."

"I haven't really thought about it, actually," says Mario, "I suppose it may have happened before. It would make perfect sense." He snerks while envisioning the Hylian hero.

A different tire suddenly blows out, sending the already battered car careening into a boulder on the side of the road. The two are knocked unconscious.

About a minute later, Mario regains consciousness and mumbles, "Ugggh. This day is really starting to suck."

Luigi is frozen in a state of absolute terror, as though he had seen something far too horrible for words.

Irritated at his brother's lack of composure, Mario vigorously smacks Luigi's face with a glove and shouts, "WAKE UP, BROTHER, WAKE UP!"

Luigi stirs back into consciousness and says, "Hrr...ow...OW...AAH! Stop! I'm awake now!"

Mario stares plainly into Luigi's eyes, and chides, "We really need to work on that proclivity to fear you have."

Both of them venture out to see what caused the problem this time, and Luigi steps in another puddle.

Inspecting the deflated tire, Mario notices another anomaly, "WHAT?! Another star!? That's it, I'm calling Triple-A." He pulls out his cellphone and begins dialing, but the signal is next to nothing.

Luigi looks around and sees mercurial fingers of lightning recurrently flashing across the sky. He looks at Mario and says, "Not gonna work, bro. Since we're in an electrical storm, the cell signals we use are useless."

Marios angrily stuffs the phone into his pocket, and as they contemplate their predicament, a passing Toad spots the wreckage and pulls over to help.

The pint-sized fungal being exits its car with an umbrella, waddles up to the heroes, and chatters, "Hey fellas! Noticed your problem. How can I help?"

Mario spies the Toad's Sedan, then looks down at the avascular, boletine''' organism and says, "We lack a functioning vehicle."

Seeing as how Mario observed the vehicle with an avaricious twinkle in his eye, the Toad rescinds, "Ah. Well, eh, sorry. Can't help ya," and starts running back.

Astonished, Mario says, "Wow. What a waste of time."

Luigi begins to add, "Yeah, I-..." but fails to finish. His pupils shrink to pinpricks as he catches a glimpse of a large winged creature grabbing the Toad and flying off. Panicking and turning white, he stutters, "M-M-M-M-M-Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma-Mar-Mar-Mar-Mar-Mari-Mari-Mari-Mari..."

Perplexed, Mario asks, "What?" and looks over at the Toad's car. All he sees is its white polka-dotted 'hat' laying on the ground. After walking over and examining it, he utters a "Whoa."

Luigi exclaims, "I knew it! Those ARE hats!"

Beginning to panic himself, Mario nervously states, "Luigi, that's not a hat, that's the top half of its head," and points to the exposed brain.

Luigi's eyes roll back into his head, and he faints.

Though scared, Mario sighs and says, "Wonderful. Now I have to wake him up again." He proceeds to his damaged car to retrieve his glove.

During his brother's absence, Luigi awakens and witnesses the winged creature streak overhead. Now beside himself with fright, he rockets back into the car at nearly the speed of sound.

Still searching for the glove, Mario mutters, "Now where did I put that dumb thing...I had it just a short while ago." While checking the glove compartment, he finds Luigi inside and exclaims, "Luigi! What are you doing in there? And...HOW did you get in there?!"

Voice wavering, Luigi responds, "I...I...I saw it. Th-the thing that t-t-took the Toad."

Puzzled and moderately curious, Mario replies, "Really? Come on out and show me where you saw it."

Luigi gets out and points to where he saw it, saying, "Well, it wa-..."

The creature silently lands right behind Mario.

Horrified beyond explanation, Luigi squeaks, "...b-b-b-b-b-behind you," and immediately faints again.

Quivering with fear, Mario slowly turns around, but after seeing nothing, says, "Oh great job, Luigi. There's no one here." He then feels a tap on the shin. He looks down at the diminutive culprit, saying, "A camouflaged Toad with robotic wings?"

Scowling, the Toad emphatically bombasts, "That's right, Mario. I have come to put a stop to you and the current leadership! Bowser has put up quite a hefty bounty on your head, and I intend to claim it!"

With a stark, unimpressed expression, Mario asks how the short freak intends to accomplish such an unattainable feat.

The Toad enthusiastically declares, "I have a gun!" and grabs a twenty-two-caliber pistol.

Mario makes a very faint smirk, says, "Wow. Scary," and grabs an AK-47 with a grenade-launching attachment from the hammer-space behind his back.

Shocked, the Toad asks, "You own guns?" while shaking ardently.

"Yes. Many," the gun-toting plumber confidently responds.

After replying with, "Oh," the Toad proceeds to back away.

Mario remembers the slain Toad from earlier and asks, "I have one question for you. Why'd you kill that other Toad?"

The Toad pauses its retreat and says, "Oh, him? He killed my family when I was ten. It had something to do with appeasing some bloated clown named Eggman or something. He just conveniently happened to be here when I was tracking you."

Mario expresses his understanding, and unceremoniously punts the Toad into an oncoming car. Satisfied by the strident thump, Mario proclaims, "That takes care of that," puts Luigi into the Sedan, and continues their journey.

An hour later, the rain at last begins to let up again.

Luigi finally wakes up and groans, "Ohhhhh. Mario?"

Chuckling, Mario exclaims, "Dude! You missed it! It was so funny how that little freak collided with an oncoming Mercedes! 'Twas a moment I'll not soon forget."

Luigi apathetically replies, "Kay," but then sees their destination and shouts, "Hey! I see a town! And a Wal-Mart sign!"

Mario happily responds, "We're almost there! Cheap food and booze, here we come!"

Bemused, Luigi asks, "Booze?"

"This Wal-Mart sells alcohol," Mario informs.

Now understanding the importance of the situation, Luigi plaudits, "Whoa. Hooray booze!"

The heroes park in the massive parking lot, and enter the magical and low-priced wonderland that is Wal-Mart. They acquire the desired items and return home shortly thereafter. After Mario drops Luigi off at his ranch in Hyrule, he heads back to his castle.

He walks through the front doorway, thinks, "So good to be home," and shouts, "Honey! I'm back!" After hearing no response, he calls his wife's name and searches the rooms of the cavernous castle. "Where could she be?" He goes back to the large foyer, spots Peach, and joyfully exclaims, "There you are! You were right there...all along." He smacks his forehead, but then asks, "Why are you tied to that chair?"

Standing next to the chair is the hostile Toad from earlier, who says, "Because of ME!"

Still not impressed, Mario says, "Oh, it's just you. Aren't you supposed to be dead or something?"

Frustrated, the Toad responds, "Obviously, I survived the impact with the Mercedes." He reaches for his belt, grabs a scimitar, and yells, "Now...prepare to die!" The psychotically angry creature lunges.

Mario leaps into the air and roundhouse-kicks the Toad with the force of a landmine, sending it sailing into a wall, splattering it.

Barely alive, the Toad concedes, "You win."

Mario unties his princess-in-distress, and after being freed, she hugs him and says, "Again, I thank you, my dear husband." She kisses his large drunkard nose.

Mario blushes and says, "Heh heh, well, it was nothing...say, you've gained weight again."

Peach gives him a blank stare.

Fin

The Super Mario characters and places are copyright of Nintendo, as are Link and Hyrule

Eggman is copyright of Sonic Team/Sega

Ben and Jerry's, Wal-Mart, and other brands/franchises are copyright of their respective owners

The Jeepers Creepers attributes are copyright of whoever owns that

The story is copyright of myself, NuclearCookout

Author's notes:

This doesn't seem to be as well written as my other works, and for that, I apologize to those who have an eye for such things. Hopefully you enjoyed the story regardless.

'''Boletine is a word I use to describe a member of the mushroom genus, boletus. This word is never used in this context outside of my own vocabulary, as far as I know.

NuclearCookout does not advocate consuming alcohol


End file.
